When I was little, all I wanted to be was a mom. And when I did become a mom, I felt as though I ruled the world. In a way, I believe I did. I had PURPOSE. I had meaning. I was creative, resourceful, and deeply connected to what mattered to me. We didn’t have much money at the time, but my ninja homemaking skills provided me with a feeling of accomplishment in creating material abundance. All was well. On the surface.
Being a stay-at-home mom was lonely business. I longed for the company of other women – for support, for sharing, to know I wasn’t alone in feeling exhausted, overwhelmed, and underappreciated. See, even though I felt on top of the world, society had a way of knocking me off my self-made throne by reminding me that I was not enough. There was Victoria and her damn secrets, the hidden shame of a career I gave up while other women figured out how to work and raise children, and endless comparisons to the picture perfect, pearl-wearing mothers who came before me.
The local community park turned out to be the last place where I thought I’d find connection. I had just moved from my childhood hometown and didn’t know how to navigate a neighborhood made up of people 3 times my age. I went for a walk every day just to break up the monotony of not speaking with another adult – hoping to run into someone – anyone! who could light up the darkness of my post-partum isolation. And I did! There was another mom who was walking her infant around the same time every day. Soon, our daily walks turned into coffee dates, play dates, family dinners, and a whole new world of mutual friends. To this day, this woman remains an important part of my life. I’ll always remember how she was there to help rebuild my life when the comparison trap finally broke me.
The comparisons still exist. They have changed in nature, but they continue to trip me up if I allow it. I found my way back to my career, but as a divorced woman and a single mom. My purpose changed, yet I still felt as though had one. I hadn’t quite lost sight of my creativity, my resourcefulness, or what mattered to me. But I certainly didn’t feel like I ruled the world. My throne was buried under the drudgery of answering endless emails and the weight of being stuck under the corporate ladder. The one saving grace during that time was the women I met and the community I built among the amazing, talented, and often overlooked women at work.
Time doesn’t stop its journey forward. The kids are grown and have moved on. I’ve moved on too – out of one corporate role and into another, and then another after that. I find myself lacking the purpose, determination, and laser focus I had on the goals I once thought I wanted to achieve. Like I did when I left work to take care of young children, I feel totally isolated, out of place, and alone in the shame of not being able to stick it out at work until retirement. The familiar feelings of exhaustion, overwhelm, are back. But this time, I not only feel underappreciated, but completely invisible. I’ve never had to work so hard for so little. There’s plenty of money, but there is no joy. There is no love. There is no passion. My kids were my reason to hang onto jobs that didn’t serve me. Out of necessity, I found my purpose in providing for them no matter how much garbage I had to tolerate at work. With the kids not needing me in quite the same way, I can find no reason left to keep holding on to what isn’t serving me.
It’s been difficult to figure out who I am now that the cradle is empty. I’m in this strange middle place where I’m too old to hang out with the young moms and I’m too young to hang out with the senior crowd. It’s like being 15 – You’re too young to drive but too old to go out to play. No one ever told me that I’d be going through second puberty in my 50’s – but here we are. And if you’re there too, I’d love some company. I’m building a new community – a “D’Lightful” space where we can navigate TOGETHER where we want this second half of our lives to go. Our first gathering will take place on June 27. Mark your calendar and drop me a note at diane@dlightfuloflife.com if you’d like to receive an invitation.
Happy Mother’s Day to all the mamas! Shine on, Ladies!
-Diane
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