My husband and I just celebrated our third wedding anniversary. Had you asked me 10 years ago if I ever thought of marrying again, I would have enthusiastically and emphatically answered with a big, fat “NO!” During that post-divorce time, I was looking for love in all the wrong places, despite having good intentions of finding somebody to love.
I had a habit of getting involved with the same type of guy, and yes, I had a TYPE with a capital T. I knew I had to break the cycle, so I signed up for online dating. (Insert Freddie Mercury here singing, They say I’m going crazy…I got no common sense) As it turned out, I could – and just might one day – write a book about my disastrous, yet hilarious, experiences. It was like my own personal version of Groundhog Day, meeting the same physically or emotionally (usually both) unavailable men.
I kept wondering what I was doing wrong. Why was I attracting these emotionally painful situations on repeat? (Insert Freddie Mercury again, Ooh each morning I get up I die a little. I was quite dramatic back then.) It finally occurred to me that the common denominator in all of these scenarios was me.
WAIT. WHAT?! Yes, ME. I had to take a good long look in the mirror, (Freddie: Take a look in the mirror and cry) and then I got MAD. And I mean MAD as in throwing things around the room MAD. I mean, COME ON already. I was smart. I owned my own home, had a great job, and had my financial affairs in order. I was a good mom, and I wasn’t all that bad looking. Why on earth couldn’t I find anyone?
After I calmed down from my irrational tantrum, I came to an epiphany of sorts. (Freddie chiming in, I’m okay, I’m alright. I ain’t gonna face no defeat, I just gotta get out of this prison cell) You ready for what finally occurred to me?
I had to change how I was thinking about myself before I went on another date. (Freddie’s hallelujah chorus: Someday I’m gonna be free!)
Back then, I didn’t realize that I was developing a framework in finding somebody to love. Not only did I find somebody to love, but I found the love I needed to develop toward myself. Without further ado (or any more chiming in from Freddie), here’s what I now call the D’LIGHT method for getting what you want.
(D)ecide.
Yep. You heard me. YOU need to make the decision to change. Have you ever heard that doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result is the definition of insanity? The first step in getting the relationship you want (or anything for that matter) is deciding that you are worth it. It takes patience, effort, and practice to honor yourself first, but once you do, you’ll be amazed at how things shift – in every area of your life.
(L)et Go.
Make your list of must-haves, adding to it the qualities you most desire in a partner – or situation, job, etc. Write these down, adding a statement “I am deserving, worthy, and ready for a healthy, loving relationship with a person who has these qualities, and I call him/her/they into my life now.” Read this every day when you wake up and before you go to bed. But here’s the key: remain unattached to the outcome – and go about your business. Go do something fun. Laugh! Dance! Sing like Freddie! Get your mind off of feeling alone, lousy, and generally sorry for yourself. We block the flow of abundance and positivity by being so dang serious all the time. Lightening up a bit will free up your mental space to make room for the element of surprise! Be open and receptive to what may come from an unexpected direction.
(I)ntention.
You have accepted your worthiness and have declared exactly what you want in a partner. You have let go of any expectations regarding who, when, how, where, or why this person will come into your life. Close your eyes and take a few deep breaths. Imagine you and your beloved together. How do you feel in this relationship? What does it look like? What kinds of things are you enjoying together? Add to your list any words or phrases that come to mind.
(G)ratitude.
Think of all of the love you DO have in your life, and even the love you might have had but lost. It is an honor and a privilege to experience the love and support of family, friends, neighbors, and co-workers. Who can you appreciate for teaching you about what it means to truly love another? And who can you thank for getting out of your life to make room for what you really want? Tap into this feeling of gratitude to chase away any lingering blues. And in complete contrast (life is full of it!) to the advice previously given, it’s okay and normal to grieve lost love, to cry, and to feel sad – tears are healthy and cleansing. If you find it completely impossible at the moment to enjoy anything, have a good cry. Once you let it out, you might find that you have more energy to notice what is beautiful in your life.
(H)abit.
Relax in knowing the ebb and flow of your emotions and feelings don’t disrupt the process of attracting what you want. Think of emotions and feelings like the waves of the ocean, and your daily practice of the D’LIGHT method as the undercurrent moving things along. I encourage you to stick with it for at least 21 days. Make a habit of declaring yourself worthy of all the wonderful, delightful things you deserve.
(T)rust.
Finally, you don’t need to MAKE anything happen. Relax and breathe, believing that the right things will begin to unfold. There’s a reason the Bible and any spiritual masters talk about faith and operating from a place of the highest good for all. There’s incredible power in this practice, yet it is delightfully simple.
Well, friends, some of you might think I’m full of woo-woo weirdo nonsense. Maybe. Maybe not. Even if I am, you won’t know if you don’t try! Let me know how it goes for you, and if you want to workshop this with me in detail, let’s talk! My program, From Despair to D’LIGHT, will have you on your way to naming claiming, and receiving what you want out of life!
Shine on,
Diane
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