My husband is my biggest fan and a source of inspiration. In honor of our wedding anniversary, I write this for him – and also for me. If you find anything of value here, then I have written it for you too, and I am honored to share.
It’s been a year – A YEAR! – since I’ve written anything. I’ve been busy living a real life as opposed to a reel life. I grew weary of being a keyboard warrior, trying to “make it” in some weird online algorithm that only cares about feeding stress, anger, and fear. Out of frustration and exhaustion, I gave up. Some nights I wondered if I’d ever be motivated to create again. But the pull to write never went away, a flowing undercurrent hidden under waves of ambition that come and go like the tide.
In this real life, there has been a valuable lesson to learn, many lessons to remember, and more than a few to release. A year ago, I couldn’t tell you exactly what I wanted. I didn’t really know. I knew what I wanted to stop feeling – lonely, sick, sad, depressed, hopeless, lost. So, I went backward in order to move forward. A visit to the past opened doors to creativity, playfulness, fun, and my path back to writing. This time on my terms. And as most good things in my life, it came from the most unlikely of places – in very much the same unexpected way Paul and I met.
Ten years ago, I had the worst luck with men. They were typically unavailable in some capacity, mostly because of being involved with other women. On New Year’s Eve in 2014, I vowed to myself that 2015 would be different. That I would be different. I would no longer tolerate feeling like anyone’s second choice. My standards became solid. The next man I would invite into my life would have the capacity to be my partner with eyes only for me. If it took ten years to meet him, I didn’t care. I would spend my days happily living my own life until he showed up. I didn’t sit around waiting, and I didn’t seek him out everywhere I went. I didn’t expect him to miraculously show up at my door. Anyone I still clung to who didn’t meet these new standards was let go.
Literally, two weeks later, I finally agreed to meet Paul. For months, mutual friends were encouraging me to give him a chance. I had been dating a friend of his. Paul was dating the guy’s ex-wife. Turns out the pair were not quite done with each other. It’s much longer tale, but the short version is that they got back together. With Paul and I each now free, the friends thought it perfect that the two of us should date. It all seemed way too weird. My answer was “no”. Time and time again, NO. No way. Not now. Not ever. What will people say? What will people think of me? Of us? This is a small town, and I could never get away with it like Shania Twain did. (For those who don’t know the story, Shania’s husband cheated on her with Marie-Anne Thiebaud who was married to Frederic Thiebaud. When Marie-Ann and her husband, Frederic, divorced, it was announced several months later that Shania and Frederic were engaged. They’ve been married since 2011.)
So here we are today, like Shania and Frederic, unapologetically happy. I’m sure you want to know, if you’re still reading, what does this story have to do with my writing? Well, quite a bit actually. The lesson I had to learn, the struggle that kept me awake more than some nights, was this: What am I saying “no” to out of fear of judgment or rejection? What joy am I missing out on because I care more for other people’s opinions than my own happiness? What crazy, insane, outrageous thing needs a “Yes. Why not? What have I got to lose?” What needs my “yes” because it just might be exactly the thing I’ve been asking for? What thing am I resisting that’s disguised as strange, weird, or unusual that might turn out even more delightful than I expected?
My recent “yes” was to putting down my corporate armor to learn the healing power of dance, art, and Reiki. (I’ve included an educational link to explain how Reiki works along with a scientific study for those who want to really dive in.) My “yes” is to my inner child who keeps asking, “Can we go PLAY now?” My “yes” is to resting, reading fantasy fiction, and relaxing into this wonderful life I’ve created. And today, my “yes” is to pick up the proverbial pen once again. To share with you, my friends, from my heart. I don’t care about the fact that I’m not a trained writer. I don’t care that I might not punctuate perfectly, or put the correct words down, or that I don’t have an extensive vocabulary. I don’t care that my website is a disaster at the moment. And I especially don’t care if this makes me any money, goes viral (yuck), or turns me into the latest and greatest guru (a million times yuck). The monetization of my writing is not the point. My role here is to inspire you through the telling of my experience of life – to say a few things that maybe, just maybe, at least one person needs to hear. If that happens, then I’ve done my job here quite well, and that’s all that matters.
Thank you for tuning in today. Until next time,
Shine on,
Diane
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